Fix Me

Lately I have been doing a lot more thinking than I had in previous months. (I think I might be finally coming out of my "I am not in college and therefore no longer need to ponder" phase, which is kinda refreshing.) Par for the course, my entire world influences what I am pondering at the moment; you know, you typical cause and effect rule. Today's thoughts have been consumed with me as a person.

I like to believe that I am a fairly reflective person, I try to step back from time to time and look at the "man in the mirror", just so I can see what other people do. I wouldn't want to walk around my entire life with my head up my ass. Besides, I feel, that only through self analysis and reflection am I truly able to be the best person I can be.

There are certain things that I know to be true about myself that I have come to accept and even appreciate to some degree; there are other things that I have worked diligently to change or have changed as part of my natural growth. For instance, I know that I was ANNOYING AS HELL when I was younger, it wasn't a conscious decision to be annoying and there was no epiphany about the whole thing, but as I got older I realized I had annoying personality. (Everybody I know telling me so might have been a clue too.) With age I made conscious efforts to be less annoying, temper myself, "act civilized", but as I aged I also know that maturity came as a natural part of my growth. Please do not get me wrong, I know there are times to this day when I am still ANNOYING AS HELL, but I would like to think I have changed for the good.

The problem I have with my self reflection/analysis is I don't know when to stop. Where do you draw the line at qualities to keep and ones to change. Is it possible to be take a real look and not hate yourself in the end. Inevitably there is always someone who doesn't like some part of you, mind, body or soul, whose advice and direction do you take. This is where my relationship waters get murky. I don't think I trust people and I keep distance between myself and friends. There is not one person on this earth that I feel 100% comfortable being myself around. I even keep me from me.

I think this winter I am going to spend alot of time rebuilding me. This isn't like one of those remodels you see on HGTV where they gut the whole house. I liken it to an episode of "What Not to Wear" on one of those women's channels; I am getting rid of all the shit in my "wardrobe" that isn't flattering, keep the pieces that are good for me, and try to add something new and appropriate for who I want to be. Not who I want to portray, who I actually want to be. In reality there are far too many things about myself that I would like to see changed, so I am gonna be reasonable about it; mostly cause things like stopping driving and becoming a vegetarian don't seem practical to me.

Yes this reflection always saddens me to some degree, and end up being a tad dramatic about the state of things, but I will be ok. Dr. Xanga is gonna help me through this and I will be better because of it. Don't worry peeps, this isn't a sex change operation, just a touch up here and there.

MY PASSPORT to Freedom...

Over the Thanksgving weekend I got my US Passport. This is great; I can now travel anywhere in the world at a moments notice and I just might take myself up on that offer. I would love to use it before next May, when I plan on road tripping to Canada, but due to a lack of leave and funds, that might not be possible. This is so exciting! I dont know what else to say but....YAAAAAAAAY! I really want to get on a plane and go international, mught have to check the rates and see what is out there. so many thoughts. yeash

The Power of the P-U-P-P-Y...

...or Puppy Love. Whichever you want to call it, doesnt matter to me cause, the result is the same. I dont know what it is about "man's best friend" but I cant get enough of them. I knew that having a dog is something that would be rewarding and filling in my life, but I also knew that as a "young professional" with limited funds and limited free time it wouldnt be fair to either one of us to right now. Even more so than a child, owning a puppy is a real commitment cause at no point in there life are they able to provide care for themselves; this is a bond that is forged from adoption/life to death. The dog walking gig while time consuming is fufilling and it pays (rather well during holidays). These are just some of the pooches I have walked.








They range from caffinee crazed psychos to geriatric furballs, and I love them all. I think a dog will be good when I move to Spain cause I dont think that I am adventerous enough to just go out and meet people. Plus I can practice my Spanish with it.

As I Am...

Alicia Keys - Like You'll Never See Me Again video (Common)
Uploaded by heyrox

This will be an evolving posts as I profess my love for the album and Alicia Keys as an artist over the remainder of the day. The video above is for the latest single and I know why DD likes the song; the music and the lyrics are on point and in a time of over produced and edited sounds the rawness I realieving. No her voice isn't perfect, but if MJB can make a ton of albums screaming her heart away, so can Ms. Keys. The video is a visual treat, especially since Ms. Keys is in it.

For now I think I will spend the rest of today at work watching this on some type of loop. Look for the updates tonight if you peep this early in the day.

UPDATE:

I know this is later than I had originally planned but I have finally found the time to continue gushing about the newest auditory pleasure. As I Am. The album is mostly a great listen. As I stated above, I know that the vocals are stretched in places, but that is what makes it beautiful; she is not screaming or hollaring, she is belting from deep within the emotions that she has. As is the American way I have tried my best to rank the songs in order of my preference
Where Do We Go From Here
I Need You
Lesson Learned
Wreckless Love
Like You'll Never See Me Again
No One
The Thing About Love
Go Ahead
Superwoman
Sure Looks Good To Me
Prelude to a Kiss
Teenage Love Affair
Tell You Something (Nana's Reprise)
...The first five are really a toss up on any given day depending on my mood. Props to you Ms. Keys, you have a fan in me, even if you arent single and writing on the floor half naked simulating sex for my visual pleasure. This album makes me so happy to listen to I cant even formulate supporting evidence for my statement; I dont care what other people think of it or me for liking it. I am not stopping my auditory love affair for anyone! (I will refrain from typing the lyrics to the track from the album that would so aptly fit right here)

who am I kidding

People keep talking, they can say what they like...
No one can get in the way of what I am feeling...
No one can get in the way of what I feel for you....

Adventures in Baking...

Today is the day of all days when it comes to feasting and family in the US. The average US citizen will consume more calories in one sitting today than is needed for survival over three days. Though this is not healthy, I am not gonna do anything to stop it, I love the food. Especially the leftovers.

Doing my part to contribute to todays gluttony, I baked both the sweet potatoes and a Cheesecake. Though the sweet potatoes are fairly simple, but being that my name isnt Betty Crocker I know how to make things difficult. I spent way to long cleaning and pealing the damn things, and then I had to boil them so I could mash and later bake them. After all that freaking effort, not to mention the mountains of cinammon & brown sugar, rivers of maple syrup, butter, eggs, & orange juice, my dad had the nerve to tell me that they werent sweet enough. He has issues, and thanks to him I have a complex.

On to the cheesecake. There was a time when I couldnt bake a dessert to save my life but that time has come and gone. I can throw down on some cheesecake. Now if only i could the frickin crust right. Too thick, cooked too long, the thing just wont cooperate. But the inside turnded out great, and there was enough sugar in it to place a diabetic into a permanent coma. Next time I will get it as close to perfect as possible.

The Princess had her own adventure in baking for the feast. Mac'n Cheese. Only problem was she forgot the cheese part. I couldve choked on how dry that dish was, which is a shame since I was looking forward to leftovers. I might have to do some doctoring of my own.

Thats all for now. The food was great, the fam was too. Looking forward to the day off. HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

No Oops About It....

...She did it again. And no I am not talkin about that over publicized, under medicated and apeshit crzy Britney Spears; I am talking about Ms. Keys and her new album. SO GREAT. Not only is the music great, but I am enjoying the new look as well. I am not gonna hate on anyone for wanting to be sexier, especially not someone as hot as her. But back to the album...the music is great. I am so glad there are artist out there who still write their own lyrics and music. I dont what inspired the music but damn I want some Wreckless Love.

Trainning before Gaming

The off-season (winter) for amateurs is not much different than it is for pros. The colder weather and shorter days in the northern hemisphere mean less suitable time to do the thing we love...play tennis.
The focus of my training will be on my skill sets and overall athletic abilities. I will start in the same place the tennis game does, with the serve. My dad is always telling me that you need to have a good serve cause it is the one point you have complete control over and you want it to help you get some cheap points from time to time. Taking advice and pointers from him can be very difficult though; he like his father (and I like him) has a tendency to be overbearing at times. Still I try to listen what he says, and combine that with what I see the pros doing and what I have read and use it to my own benefit. Over the past couple weeks that I have been working on it I have seen positive results; my serve has improved from the embarrassing to bearable, but I am not stopping there. I don't want to push it to hard, but if I can I would like to add variety to it rather than just getting it in.
Along with the serve I am going to work on a shot that I would really like to have as part of my arsenal, for both offensive and defensive reasons, the slice. Coming in both backhand and forehand varieties, the slice is a great way to mix things up, change the pace of a rally, get your opponent out of position or get a ball that was largely out of reach. The forehand slice is rarely used in the game as anything other than defensive because it is an awkward shot, but the backhand slice when used correctly is a thing of beauty. Because unlike the serve I need someone else to practice this shot, I dont think that I will be improving on it as much this winter.
Lastly I would also like to work on my volleying. Being able to get to the net and finish a point of is important. What good is getting your opponent out of position if you stay back and give them time to recover. As well it is an essential part of the doubles game which I enjoy. Work on not swinging and punch the ball and all will be well.
There is alot to work on but I think it is doable. I hope the weather stays nice so I can keep playing outdoors cause I cant afford to play indoors. The spring season should be fun. More challenging and better tennis in the future.

I was at a party last night?...

Drunk is probably an insufficient term for what I was last night. This of course is a guess cause other than the one photo I have seen of me in my drunken stupor, I have little recollection of what happened last night post 2130 HRS. I know that drinking to this point is bad for me, but God it felt good to just do a little unwinding. After leaving work early, grabbin cash some McDs and Liquor the partying began. Start time 1630 HRS and I was pretty drunk by the time we left for the party at 2030 HRS. What a night and it was and in the end I didnt die, I didnt lose anything, I didnt spend more money that I wanted and I am sure I had fun and I couldnt ask for more. I do think I will lay off the hard liquor for a while and stick to beer. No more partying for me for the foreseeable future thanks to work, but that might be a good thing cause right now the sight of liquor could induce vomiting. Might as well try to enjoy the rest of the weekend....

Last night was great...

...until the moment after.

It started out with us meeting at Bussboys and Poets for drinks, but wouldnt you know it, it was packed, so off we went to the next location. Ended up at Tabaq, which was a great place. Music wasnt my favorite, but it wasnt overly distracting which allowed us to talk and get to know each other. For once I shut up and did most of the listening, and I was able to learn alot about you; it was fun.

You were hungry, and didnt want to say goodbye, so we went to "The Diner" in Adams Morgan. Shortly after being seated and placing our orders an old friend of yours came in and coincidentally was seated at the table right next to us. I sat patiently waiting for the time we could get back to talking; I was trying to be polite and not look bored or annoyed that this guy was talking to you. One shitty Poorboy's Shrimp Sandwich and one order of "Chilean" Cheese with a side of chili and fries later we left. Thanks for treating, I dont mind the assertiveness but I will return the favor shortly.

I decided to go back to your place cause you wanted to hang. EVERYTHING went great until we went to sleep. I know its only been a short period of time, but it seemed different than before. Did I say something in my sleep? Did I let some hint of my sometimes (in reality I know its most times) obnoxious heavy sarcasm slip out and put doubt in your mind of the future of a possible relationship? Are our differences to great to overcome? Am I overreacting?

The morning goodbye and things still felt off. Today you will consume my thoughts, and not in the same way as the previous two days. Today, I will think only about how I fucked things up and if I will ever hear from you again. I have too much fear to initiate contact myself, which might exacerbate the situation but I think its a risk that I am going to take. UUGGGHHH. I guess there is a small part of me that hopes you will somehow stumble upon my blog and I will get concrete answers, even if they substantiates my worst fear.

Xanga Therapy. There is nothing like it!

Relationship Hypochondria

While walking to work to today I had time to think about some things of the previous week. My thoughts were focused mainly on my newly acquired obsession. After 15 minutes, of meticulously reviewing and analyzing what are most likely minor or non issues, I realized that I am a relationship hypochondriac. Let us define this for clarity purposes; A hypochondriac is:

• A person who constantly believes he or she is ill or about to become ill
  
• a patient with imaginary symptoms and ailments
  
• a person who worries or talks excessively about his or her health

Relationship hypochondriacs of course focus on their relationships not their health, and it sucks! Everything you do is self-scrutinized and you are in constant fear that I will do something/ have done something that will start the dissolution of the relationship. In relationships of the heart, I attribute these baseless fears to my own naïveté. In other relationships I worry less, but any worries I do have our usually cause I often act/speak without thinking first.

When did I become so concerned with what other people thought of me? Why do I suddenly feel the need to be validated by any and everyone? What happened to the carefree happy guy that entered Iowa State University "destined to change the world one person at a time"?

This is why I remained emotionally unavailable for so long; its easier to deal with mentally. Off to work and continue to worry.

Serial Blogger?!?!?!

Much like killers of the same type, I have become slightly addicted to my "craft". I have found that almost every moment of my being is blog worthy. Will this be the running record of my life? Who needs to scrapbook when they internet has endless space to post your life's story in whatever fashion you choose?

I have recently become enamored with the possibility of different types of blogs. Everything need not be written, a picture is worth a thousand words and "moving pictures" exponentiate that equation. The possibilites are endless, and hopefully not overwhelming.

This would make blog number 3 on as many websites. It boils down to the question when is too much. Each site has it advantages and disadvantages and if only they could all be combined into one perfect site it would be great. For now I will settle with relegating a different part of my life to each blog. xanga = life; wordpress = un lugar para practicar espanol; blogger = ?.... I will have to put some thought into this one. Right now I am thinking it is a good place to blog on my thoughts about tennis, or maybe to practice my creative writing. The decision is up in the air and will most likely remain so for a while. Maybe a couple test blogs to figure something out. I must say however I am impressed with the title. Peace for now cyberspace.

This is what I live with...

This is what I must endure. Part of me said it is wrong to put this out there but I had to put out there. I know this is her room and I have no business criticizing it but, this is not limited to her room; it is just exponentiated in her room. My favorite of course is the first pic. You get a full view of the entire room including the dead plant that is in the corner. I hope she doesnt have children anytime soon. Utter madness I tell you!

Xanga....

...saving people from themselves for over 5 years.

I write this knowing if I don't I will do something I might regret later. I have so often guarded myself from real emotional relationships for fear that it would complicate things and eventually end with hurt. As a result I have only been in one "real" relationship in my entire life. Sophomore year of college I allowed myself to open up a little to someone and it sucked. There wasn't alot of pain in the disintegration of the relationship, but it did complicate life for awhile and it sucked. Maybe I was too guarded back then, I don't know.

Today I find myself in a similar situation. I have met someone that I am interested in really getting to know. Someone that I can see myself investing serious time in and it scares me. For the past two days they are all I can think about. Is it ok to call/text? should I wait? am I being annoying? Will being passive send the wrong message and cause me to miss the one chance I might have had? Its weird also cause its a part of me that I don't show others ever. What if the feelings are mutual? Can I be a positive force in a relationship and not drive someone away with obnoxious nitpicking and sarcasm.

On another note.... in the middle of this blog, I received a phone call. I am getting a new job bitches; I am free of this damn hell hole. 12/10 is the date! Better start saving them pennies so that I can afford to live. I better get on the grind in getting a second job. These bills ain't gonna pay themselves. This should help me think about something different for awhile.

The "Friendly Reminder"...

The dynamics of the work environment are always interesting and can often be complex. Alot of politics are played and more often than not people are looking out solely for themselves and their personal job security or advancement. Working for government of any sort alters the normal/traditional flow of business due to the bureaucracy, but contracting for the government tops them all.

From my experience over the past several months I have found that working for a contractor can be frustrating. You have a hundred "bosses", none of them really know what is going on or can provide a straight forward answer and the benefits/pay suck long run. These factors have lead me to be largely unsatisfied with my job and constant speculation about what I "want to do with my life". Additionally, with the having to deal with "stupid" people on a daily basis in the office and in the field, it shouldn't be hard to understand why I am looking to "move towards the light" in this employment.

All is not bad with this job; some of the employees are enjoyable and I would keep in touch with them once I or they move on. I have good time at work most days and my hours are really flexible which means I can have the second job and earn some much needed extra income.

Then of course there is the entertainment I provide myself by being "nit-picky", sarcastic me and makin fun of people that I interact with. Some people are just too easy; dent get me wrong though, I have no problem with "stealing candy" from the proverbial baby in this instance and will do it 90% of the time.

There is a guy on our job who fits this to a tee. Great guy, works hard, but socially awkward and not the wittiest of persons, we shall call him Turtle, or TMNT for short (all other names have been altered as well). He is a 24 year old high school graduate, who is a lifer. He has recently been placed into a "supervisory" position and the power trip began. Yesterday the following email was sent to me and two coworkers:

Please make sure you're doing at least 8 cables a day, not including amendments & cancelations. If you request overtime due to workload, management (B, L, S) may look at this before approving. Also, this may be used as part of your annual SAD (company) performance evaluation.
Exceptions to not doing 8 cables on a particular day:
1. You don't work 8 hours that day.
2. Fire drills and other crisis from one or more of your field offices.
3. All of your requests not yet processed are pending itineraries and/or necessary information from the field.
On most days, you should be doing at least 8 cables a day as an escorted travel coordinator.

I have thought about it and I honestly dont know what direction this "Friendly Reminder" (the actual subject line of the above email) is coming from. I dent know what to think of this. Of course the three of us just laughed at the email and ignored his "friendly reminder". One even went as far as responding to it. Quite funny, I giver her props for this one:

Number 1: Let me just start by giving you the middle finger
Number 2: I will not be requesting overtime, I do not want to spend one minute more that I have to in this place
Number 3: If I'm here another 6 months, don't worry about my annual evaluation...I will have shot myself in the head.

Thank you.

which was then followed by:

Exceptions to shooting myself in the head:
1. My measly paycheck does not leave me enough $ in my bank account to buy a gun/bullets (in which case, I would probably grab the biggest kitchen knife I can find)
2. I go insane well before my 1 year, am put into a straight jacket, and committed to the local mental institution (no access to weapons of any sort)
3. I shoot you in the head instead (problem solved)

I have thoughts of my own on the email. Especially since I do more work than most people in this fucking job, but I think the two responses above are adequate. I couldn't help but write about this today while I was not doing my "8 required escorted cables". I needed something to do; there aint enough internet reading in the world to occupy me all day. I will admit however that the email motivates me less to do work than motivating me positively, passive aggressive is so much more fun if you are being manipulative in the process.

Reality Check

I know I have spent alot of time over the past several months talking about how hard life is for me right now. The finances are not the best and I am not completely satisfied with my job or "love" life and recently I have gotten so negative, cynical, and possibly even bitter, that I have even started to annoy myself as of late. Thank God for good friends and family being around to help keep me mentally grounded cause without them I know I would go way to far off the deep end.

But back to what the post is really about. I really need to wake the fuck up what my life is really like. I have a great life and right now I can count the things wrong only cause they number so few when compared to the things going right. Life is looking up and its hard to figure out where to start.......

The second job is working out great. Its not as good as having your own, pet, but it does pay really well and is extremely flexible. I have money to buy/ do things that I want and I am not overly burdened with bills....
I turned in my paperwork for my passport today and am able to afford it thanks to a refund check larger than I had originally planned from taxes while at school. If things go well I should have it before I leave for Christmas vacation with the family. But I wont hold my breath and just be happy if I have it by the first of the year....
I completed one goal and am working hard at reaching another. Run a marathon, Check. Improve Spanish, double check. See the World, You better believe it. I am roadtrippin to Canada in Spring with a bud, anymore takers?...
a new job IS on the horizon. All the paperwork is in and there is little standing in my way now. If I am good enough for an interim DOD clearance, I have faith in my ability to obtain this one as well....
new Tattoos. A birthday gift to myself. Now I just have to decide which one it is going to be and where. Input is welcome but as my father loves to say these days "[I] am going to do what [I] want to do anyway". And dont worry, its not gonna be on my forehead, neck or wrist. This is exciting since I have wanted another one for three years now.....
there is so much more to look forward to and I am gonna work on me. I think the next 6 months are going to be really good.

Ik houd van Zweden

...ok so really that's Dutch but its the same area so it counts; also, I am not sure I love the country of Sweden cause I have never been. Any feelings yay or nay I possess are for the Swedish export of IKEA, but I mean we are really just gettin into semantics here. Am I right or am I right? LOL. Another weekend of making money, means a weekend of spending money as well. 3 nights of pet sitting and 4 dog walks means money would be used to help outfit my living room.

Saturday was out the question cause that is family day, Sunday would mean an early trip to Ikea with an aversion to the $0.99 breakfast. The mission should I choose to accept: get a coffee table, some pillows and a blanket for the living room, maybe even get a comforter so I dont have to wear sweat clothes to bed anymore. One hour and way too many decisions later and the mission is a success. Princess Peapod thought a lamp would be good, so she bought the ugly thing.

The downfall with Ikea is that it comes "assembly required". But the good thing about being busy is you can get out of doning stuff you dont want to legitimately. Kickball playoffs at 2pm meant that I would not have to contribute in the assembly of products "we" purchased. I say we cause until I get the check for her share from Peapod then it is the stuff I purchased. The end result is the same though; our living room looks good.

My mission this week will be to get good photos of the city so that we can use them to adorn our barren walls. I have a feeling this week is going to be a good week.

My Driving Toothbrush and The Detergent Equivalency Test

Nothing is more enjoyable than a great day but lately great days have been few and far between. Only solar eclipses come around less frequently than days like this. Today several unrelated, but of themselves enjoyable, events converged into "A great day perfect storm" . Here follows the recipe for a "A Day Like This"

1. Payday
2. Wings Wednesday
3. Halloween

Not listed in any particular order or with any more significance placed on one event over the others, their confluence made each that much better.

It is a weird way to look at it but, payday is great cause I know that I can pay my bills and continue to live a life that I am largely satisfied with; yes paying bills results in me being broke, but I am also free and clear of financial obligations to "the man" for another month, so in the end I can take positives from it.

Wings Wednesday is great because Stetson's $0.25 Wednesday Wings Special is great. Some of the best wings I have ever had from a non-buffalo wings specific establishment. Spicy, Barbecue, Celery, Carrots, Blu Cheese and I will not forget good beer. Any regular bar patron will know that good food + good beer + good friends = great conversation. Sometimes the conversation is nonsensical to outsiders but only those involved really matter.

Halloween is a favorite "holiday" because I enjoy costumes and "being" something or someone else. Add chocolate and alcohol and people joining in its generally a good day. Because of the MCM I wasn't able to go to any parties honoring the festive day this weekend, but I was able to parlay it into not wearing work attire for one day. One lab coat, long sleeve shirt, pair of scrubs and security badge affixed to top coat pocket later, I looked the part and the day was go. I wish more people at work had gotten into the holiday, but that never stops me from having fun. Already anticipating the next Halloween and the possible return of SPOOKGASMA!!!
In somewhat unrelated news...

Pop quiz! Which is greater: 288 loads worth of liquid laundry detergent or 10 loads worth (EDIT: should be 15 Loads. Answers given before change will be accepted using those numbers and graded accordingly.) of powdered laundry detergent? Things to consider, contributions made by commoners carry less value than those made by royalty; one is liquid and one is powdered; the numeric system in Obliviana varies quite drastically from the rest of the world. Responses should be submitted in the form of short answer with supporting evidence for findings.

Have you ever been on your way to the next destination, and realized as you head out the door your mouth feels grimy and you can taste your breath. You cant stop and brush your teeth now you will be late. Thats when I grab my "driving toothbrush" and go. It doesn't need running water or toothpaste to work, just good ole' elbow grease and a mouth in danger of aromatic violation! Get your driving toothbrush today, wherever mouthwash and car supplies are sold. Also look for Flying Toothbrush, cause 10,000 feet shouldn't stop you from beating plaque to a pulp that can be swallowed or spit into a single serving cup!

Adios Peeps!