This Probably Isnt Healthy But...

I am carrying on like this anyway. Last night you disappointed me, AGAIN. C-Dub would say that I am foolish to let you keep doing this to me. That you should have learned and I should have too, cause there is nothing more important than your time. Truth is I love you and I want to forgive you; I want to understand why you choose to do the same things repeatedly that cause me to feel this way....

Yesterday afternoon you ask me if its cool if you go to a "titty bar" with some friends. I responded that it is cool but that you didn't need my approval anyway. (In retrospect I think I missed the point, you weren't asking for permission, you were just being open, and I was rude and maybe a little mean to you.) The rest of the convo went roughly as follows:

"I'll call you around 10pm"
"What for?"
"Communication. I'll be home and I want to see you"
"Ha, who goes to a 'titty bar' before 10pm?"
"Its a Monday, and we are old"
"ha, ok. You wont be home by 10"...

Anyway, I came home to a dog that had shat all over my apt, so I wasn't primarily thinking about what time your silly ass would actually call me. Decided to watch some programming and a movie to pass some time cause I just wasn't in the mood to do any physical activity.
It's about 950pm now and just in case by some act of GOD you get home anywhere around 10pm I decide to wash and brush my teeth in preparation of seeing you. 1005pm and you haven't called, but no one gets upset over a few mins. I decide to read a few chapters in my book till my lids are to heavy to hold open. It's now 1045pm and not so much as a text message; cellphones are banned in most "titty bars" due to the camera function, so sending you a message is pointless, and I'm not about to trip over an hour. I'll take a nap so I won't be sleepy when you finally call.

1104pm and a message arrives "are you still up" (you sent the message knowing full well I like to sleep early cause I have to get up early, unlike you, and that I was likely sleep), I'm sleep and don't get it till 1228am when something rouses me from my nap. I respond and get nothing back. I call at 1232 just hoping to hear your voice and some indication of what might be going on; it goes to voicemail. You're clearly still at the "titty bar". No message left cause I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't be assholish. Back to bed for me.

106am and a text message comes through, "no worries. i assume your in for the night"
textversation continues as follows:

"um, yea thats a good assumption. am i 2 assume ur just leavin the 'titty bar'?"
"yeah but im home now want to leave sometime ago"
"ok"
"well i love you babe sleep well"

The no response to that last text I think was pretty indicative of what I was feeling like at the moment. Like my aquarium I felt shat on. So many thoughts raced through my head I couldn't sleep. I got up and blogged, about love. Thoughts out and temptations brushed aside I laid down and proceed to struggle to fall asleep for the next 30 mins. Thanks again for that lovely experience. My dependence on you has flared up in beautiful fashion once again. ( I am getting a fucking bed when I get back from Miami).

This morning I woke up and started my internal conflict on how to proceed with the day. I want to talk about it, but I don't want to do it via online or phone; I want to sit down with you in person and explain why this hurts so bad. So many ways to correlate it race through my head, but I don't think dwelling on it will do anything. I decide to not dwell on and remember the good. This entry is necessary cause without it I am gonna dwell. This is my therapy session. I love you, but I don't know if I can continue down this path of turning the other cheek.

Also, just so you know, that comment you made about "wanted to leave early". Please don't say shit like that. If you wanted to leave and didn't because of friends it makes me think you're weak. I don't deal with weak people. You're too smart to be pressured by friends. Saturday you asked me to go to a party with you cause you didn't want to go alone. I was already at a party having fun and hanging with friends; being with you meant ditching them. I did it no questions asked, despite the fact that they gave me shit and didn't want me to leave. I am just asking for equality.