Monday, March 19, 2007

I think its time

to get a journal that I can write things down in. I don't want people to think have secrets that are so deep and dark that they cant be posted on here, but I guess there are somethings I am not ready to publicly vocalize. I have been hesitant in the past because I felt I wasn't committed to the idea of writing in it. I thought it was something that I was supposed to do everyday and I wouldn't. As well there is the stigma of a male writing in a journal; I have dealt with enough questions about my sexuality in the past, I don't need to deal with that.

But I am really sick of this shit right now. I cant afford to go to therapy, so I need to write things down so that I can remember what was going on in my head at the point in time when I can afford it. There are so many issues that I keep bottled up inside it is now starting to affect my personal well being. This morning I woke up and wanting to cry and tired due to the restless night I had. I don't know if writing it down will help, but I think it will and it seriously cant do any harm, so what is there to lose.

Despite efforts to seek guidance from The ONE above, I am fearful I wouldn't hear His response unless it bit me in the face. How do you truly know what His will is and that this is His guidance. I want so bad to connect but don't know how to do it. I fight constantly with my past demons and lack of belief and the person I enjoy of myself and the connection I want to have with God. I don't want to lose the me I have come to love and enjoy, but if I have learned anything momentary pleasures are quickly fleeting and can leave a lifetime of pain in their wake.

Please GOD I am at you mercy. I need your help!

Now that I am sitting here crying at work I need to go and take a breather. Please don't worry out there, I am gettin my shit together, this is just how I am dealing with it. I will feel much better . PROMISE! Life cannot keep me down. It might be a dark day, but the sun does come out tomorrow. (I know its corny, but its really how I feel)

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