Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Fix Me

Lately I have been doing a lot more thinking than I had in previous months. (I think I might be finally coming out of my "I am not in college and therefore no longer need to ponder" phase, which is kinda refreshing.) Par for the course, my entire world influences what I am pondering at the moment; you know, you typical cause and effect rule. Today's thoughts have been consumed with me as a person.

I like to believe that I am a fairly reflective person, I try to step back from time to time and look at the "man in the mirror", just so I can see what other people do. I wouldn't want to walk around my entire life with my head up my ass. Besides, I feel, that only through self analysis and reflection am I truly able to be the best person I can be.

There are certain things that I know to be true about myself that I have come to accept and even appreciate to some degree; there are other things that I have worked diligently to change or have changed as part of my natural growth. For instance, I know that I was ANNOYING AS HELL when I was younger, it wasn't a conscious decision to be annoying and there was no epiphany about the whole thing, but as I got older I realized I had annoying personality. (Everybody I know telling me so might have been a clue too.) With age I made conscious efforts to be less annoying, temper myself, "act civilized", but as I aged I also know that maturity came as a natural part of my growth. Please do not get me wrong, I know there are times to this day when I am still ANNOYING AS HELL, but I would like to think I have changed for the good.

The problem I have with my self reflection/analysis is I don't know when to stop. Where do you draw the line at qualities to keep and ones to change. Is it possible to be take a real look and not hate yourself in the end. Inevitably there is always someone who doesn't like some part of you, mind, body or soul, whose advice and direction do you take. This is where my relationship waters get murky. I don't think I trust people and I keep distance between myself and friends. There is not one person on this earth that I feel 100% comfortable being myself around. I even keep me from me.

I think this winter I am going to spend alot of time rebuilding me. This isn't like one of those remodels you see on HGTV where they gut the whole house. I liken it to an episode of "What Not to Wear" on one of those women's channels; I am getting rid of all the shit in my "wardrobe" that isn't flattering, keep the pieces that are good for me, and try to add something new and appropriate for who I want to be. Not who I want to portray, who I actually want to be. In reality there are far too many things about myself that I would like to see changed, so I am gonna be reasonable about it; mostly cause things like stopping driving and becoming a vegetarian don't seem practical to me.

Yes this reflection always saddens me to some degree, and end up being a tad dramatic about the state of things, but I will be ok. Dr. Xanga is gonna help me through this and I will be better because of it. Don't worry peeps, this isn't a sex change operation, just a touch up here and there.

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"The Man Who Knows Something, Knows He Knows Nothing at All"